After Sunday’s crushing defeat of the 40Briners, Marshawn Pinch and the Searocks enjoyed a couple days of well-deserved tank time before resuming their training. Keeping his promise to stop being so crabby with the press, Pinch came out of his shell to talk about the riptide that’s brought the team to their current position as NFSea champs and Fish Bowl contenders.
“We had to swim against the tide plenty of times this season,” Pinch says. “That game on Sunday, when we left the 40Briners’ shells all over the field? That was just one of the rocks we had to scuttle over.” After a pause to snack on some plankton, he says, “For me, the current that brought us to the Fish Bowl really started flowing last season—when we lost the playoffs to the Atlanta Fan Worms. Our shells were to the wall and in the end, we missed the boat.”
“But we learned something,” he continues, “For the ‘Rocks, you can’t beat the home tank advantage. I know we could’ve kept the Fan Worms at bay if we’d been in Seattle with all the 12s giving us a tidal wave of support. They probably would have launched another Beach Quake!”
“We’ve been making the most of that home tank advantage all season long,” Pinch says. “Now, don’t think I’m too big for my shell, but we got our sea legs pretty quick and scuttled over every obstacle in our way. Losing Perchy Harvin for so many games was a fine kettle of fish but it didn’t stop us. When other obstacles came up, we didn’t bury our heads in the sand—we just kept swimming.”
“I’m not fishing for compliments,” he adds quickly, “It was a total team effort. Mussel Wilson, Richard Sturgeon and Golden Skate get a lot of the glory—but how about that epic catch Sea Slug Baldwin made in our game against the Houston Tetras? And Stingray Hauschka, sailing right through with those kicks? Not to mention Clam Chancellor, Eel Thomas, Bruce Urchin, Chris Clamons and so many others. We’ve got an incredible lineup.”
“And then there’s Coach Pete Coral,” he says. “What a class act. He never hits below the shell, never goes off the deep end during games or practices. He’s off the hook.”
“Here’s the last thing I’m gonna say,” Pinch continues. “We may not have the home tank advantage on our side, but no one’s gonna surf our turf on Fish Bowl Sunday. We’ll have the 12s with us in spirit, and we’re gonna launch a full-out Tidal Boom assault on the Denver Barnacles. They might not know it yet, but they’re in a sea of trouble. We’re gonna knock the wind right out of their sails and shell-shock ‘em. Beach Mode!”
And with that, he retreats into his shell.
*No hermit crabs were harmed in the creation of this promotion.